I Tried Everything Until I Found My Purpose And It Wasn’t in Vain
A personal essay on purpose, burnout, career experiments and finding meaning after constant change.
Some people don’t believe that we are here for a reason. I’m not really sure we can connect, or if those are my people, because I always wonder why they choose to think that way.
Obviously, “I guess we’ll never know”… Kanye, haha… if there’s an official answer to all this. But the idea of having purpose, or having to find purpose, is okay. Making one work is okay too… but also moving toward an actual purpose. Haha.
Each time this conversation comes up and someone says there is no purpose in life, I take an imaginary step back or aside. It creates distance. And you know why?
Because I immediately think of the book Man’s Search for Meaning, written by a Holocaust survivor and the idea that meaning can exist even in the most extreme suffering, not as something abstract but as something lived.
I feel like if you walk through life without questioning it, without looking for the things your whole being would love doing and that could add value to the world, then what are we… sheep?
And I am talking about the opportunity most of us have on the Western side of the world. The privilege to spend more than a minute discovering, playing, feeling.
I’m not talking about people who are in survival mode. Though honestly, should I even bring them into the equation just to underline why we should pursue meaningful things?
Growing Up With the Wrong Idea of Meaning
Okay… I was this person tormented by meaning.
I grew up with the idea that forming a family would be it and having that dream fall apart in front of my naive eyes was not pleasant at all.
Finding love for myself? It wasn’t my purpose, but it was definitely the gate to knowing and recognizing what my heart truly beats for.
Because of course, while I had money in my pocket, I went from workshop to workshop.
Now I have gathered in my house an airbrush… which I have never used for makeup, paint, the most expensive paints and brushes because for a minute I thought painting was it.
Then I did an absurdly expensive nail course, only to find out that the kind of art I wanted to create on nails would take way too much time and that I was clumsy as hell, pinching people’s cuticles.
I also did a haircutting course and quickly realized I could never see myself doing bobs for the rest of my life. I just don’t want people swearing and adding my name into the mix or telling the whole town, “That crazy lady did it.” Noooo.
Yoga, Burnout and Teaching Twerking Lessons Dreams
I was this close to doing a 200 hour yoga teacher training because I loved yoga so much.
I was a bit obsessed because the hours spent doing it were the only moments my mind wouldn’t trouble me. Physical pain was louder than mental pain and there was also that feeling of achieving perfection, even if only for one class here and there. And then lastly… I wanted to become a twerking instructor.
I had already contacted a teacher who lived in Rio, ready to go live my best life. And then a week later, burnout hit me, so I decided to take it easy.
Becoming an Astronaut, Apparently
But you know what? Lol. I’m not done yet.
Toward the end of my trying to become an astronaut, lol, it might as well have been that, I realised this searching right and left didn’t save any dolphins, didn’t end poverty and actually led me toward my own.
You know, I’ve never been a career tiger. One of those women who take pride in always being able to land on their own two feet.
I guess I always believed that if things went wrong, the Universe had me. And in most ways, it did. Sure, it would have been easier if I could fully rely on myself financially and pamper myself into a comeback, but the walls people build to follow a career and I’m talking more about well paid jobs here, always felt like sacrificing my whimsical life.
My whimsical, oh so complex emotional life.
Which makes sense. I mean, if you’re in the office every day, who even has time or energy for drama?
Makeup, Glamour and Disillusionment
I’ve never been a career tiger, but somehow I ended up building a creative career for myself that paid really well.
For a couple of years, I enjoyed the build up. Money, trips, nice lunches by the studios, free makeup, some glam.
But the purpose I started doing makeup with disappeared in no time and then I flew on the wings of old memories for too many years.
Until I had to stop.
Because when I first came back to makeup, my purpose was simple. I wanted to make beautiful people happy.
As in, I wanted them to look like themselves on a day when they wake up, look in the mirror and say:
“Yes. Today I’m only brushing my fringe, keeping the hair messy in the back, maybe adding a little concealer, a red lip, mascara and slay.”
But people proved to me that they were not happy.
Not necessarily with my work, but in general.
They took pride in being insecure and indecisive and really wanted to prove how different they were and how exceptional their taste was. Never seen before. I swear, never seen! I would do their makeup. Cool, cool. Then they’d look at the pictures and suddenly: “Oh, I look too old, too fat, my nose is too big, my eye color could be better.”
Jesus Christ.
“Not Just Makeup, But Therapy”
And so my quest for purpose began. I wanted meaning. I wanted realness, sass, rawness, sarcasm. I was looking for myself in everyone I tried to connect with.
Sure, I’d do a bit of makeup, but most importantly, I wanted to make my clients laugh, process or simply feel at ease. Sometimes we would laugh together about their insecurities, of course disguised in humour and sarcasm. It became “not just makeup, but therapy.” Haha. I’ve done makeup on famous people, models, people who were at the very end of their lives, people who still sucked their thumb at a mature age.
Jokes aside, I learned so much about people and psychology.
And on top of this, many of my colleagues were jealous, insecure, narcissistic cunts. Female and male. I have no regrets leaving that field once the thrill was gone and purpose needed to be found elsewhere.
So Here I Am
My purpose is to truly reach people and inspire them to make better choices quicker than I did.
And this is why I go into detail in my writing. I want to underline where I came from and where I ended up. I want to and honestly have to, be vulnerable. What do I get back from it?
The feeling of being someone’s mom or sister. A loving one. Seeing my family heal, grow, shine and looking at humanity with hope. And besides finally knowing that I matter, I also know now that I can truly add value.
With every conversation.
Every article.
Every note.