What is healing?
On depression, mind conditioning and the limits of a word we overuse
We’re using this word so often these days, can’t say it doesn’t feel like, my God, too lightly used. I mean, I don’t want to say, “No, I know what healing is, because I experienced it and you have not,” but knowing what it took for me to come to a place of peace and contentment in my mind, I really would be happy to know so many people have healed as they say they have…but I don’t think so.
The only possibility I see that I got this wrong, and everyone that says they are healed actually are healed, is if their minds were younger or less programmed, or if they ran into really good guidance. All possible. But I think my healing is “certified” haha, especially because I needed to go through sooo many layers of deep conditioning. “My healing is better than yours” lol. It does sound a bit silly when I say it like that.
But I do believe people who go through hell and come out on the other side still wanting to find new ways, outside science, books and laboratories, to help others heal as well, deserve a special place in the world and they often find it too. They sound a certain type of way, surreal, ethereal. And they recognize that space they deserve, and they’re at peace with it.
I’m not saying we need to get a medal externally for suffering, but if someone truly means well and finds methods that actually work, let them call themselves coaches. Ok, maybe not per se “coaches”, since that term also has a bad rep. But anyways, terminology aside, let them enter the right rooms and bring hope.
You can’t bring light into the world if you don’t know you have access to a source of electricity or artificial light, you know what I mean?
I remember being in the trenches of depression and obsessively watching every video of Byron Katie, trying to figure out if this woman was hiding some dark secret or if she had actually found something real. She talked about being so depressed she ended up lying on the floor of a halfway house, unable to even take care of herself, and waking up one morning with a cockroach crawling over her foot. And somehow, in the middle of that darkness, something shifted in her mind.
Then came those questions she built her whole work around: “Is it true?”, “Can you absolutely know it’s true?”, “How do you react when you believe that thought?” and “Who would you be without it?”. Such simple questions for something as heavy as suffering, which is probably why I couldn’t stop thinking about them.
Well, I would have done anything to be her and lie on the floor and receive my salvation. My enlightenment, I would even call it. In my mind, I was trying to picture myself being her. I even felt like lying on the floor the way she did and waiting for a cockroach to crawl over me. I had nothing better to do besides suffer profoundly.
When you hear Byron Katie talk, it’s like: is she for real? How in the world can she turn every situation into something peaceful? I printed thousands of worksheets and did all the turnarounds on paper, but inside I could not feel them being real. My mind was the boss and it was a very toxic one.
Well, I can now confirm that she is. When you heal, you understand her mindset more easily and in a way you may have already been moving toward it even before fully engaging with her work.
I’m pretty convinced that maybe the word “healing” is only a part of what happened to me. Enlightenment honestly feels closer. I hate to even say that because the world will probably try to drag me down for it and I might face even more resistance, but fuck it, mate, I know what I know and I feel what I feel. How else do I explain that now my speech feels almost impeccable compared to then, that I use my voice without constantly doubting myself or wondering if I’m a good person or not? Before, I felt at everyone’s mercy, while deep down I knew I was onto something but had no idea how to defend myself.
For all I know, I’ll probably spend the rest of my days writing, brainstorming with peers, trying to come up with new ways, maybe even a new method, for people to see the truth that’s right in front of them without having to go on such a brutal quest just to save themselves.
And best believe this is not an ego trip or a business model, although I’m sure when you work with those kinds of intentions you do end up in positions of abundance. It’s just that seeing pain flooding on the streets and knowing you can do something about it, it feels like seeing a hospital full of wounded people and not enough doctors and nurses to attend.
If you aren’t familiar with Byron Katie and her work, you can explore it here: The Work by Byron Katie